He's Driving Me Crazy!

He's been the sole earner, and she has been a busy stay-at-home mom, raising the kids and running the household. It may sound old fashioned, but this is still a very common scenario throughout much of the United States.

Now, with the kids gone, she has her own circle of friends with whom she shops, enjoys golfing, and is involved in the community. She spends time with her grandchildren, takes classes at night, and has created a fulfilling lifestyle that she thoroughly enjoys. Suddenly, he's around the house, has plans for "them," and she doesn't know what to do. "He's driving me crazy" is the familiar refrain. To quote from the old CBS hit, The Cosby Show, "A retired husband is like having a grand piano in the kitchen. It looks good, but the damn thing is always in the way."

In this situation, planning includes not only what he wants to do when he finishes working but also how that will or won't impinge on her lifestyle. In some cases, she is very happy to spend less time with the girls and do more things with her husband, some of which they've wanted to do for years. However, in many other instances, she does not want to give up the lifestyle she has created for herself. She is, in a word, "happy."

Rather than telling him coldly to "go find a hobby," she might take some time to help him explore which hobbies he might be interested in pursuing. His day-to-day lifestyle is changing in a major way, and he may be very apprehensive. If she can provide support and make some time in her busy schedule so they can enjoy doing things together, while not giving up her overall lifestyle, they may find a happy medium.

He, meanwhile, needs to respect that she is already happy with her life and does not want to uproot her lifestyle. He should work toward making plans he can enjoy by himself or with his own circle of friends.

It's a compromise that includes "me" time and "us" time. It should be discussed well in advance so the transition and subsequent retirement lifestyle are satisfying for both partners.